Reflection on Thesis
The main purpose of my essay on Polar Bears is to explain how Global Warming is threatening their lives/environment, and how taking them off of the Endangered Species List is suicidal.
My Thesis:
· Keeping Polar bears categorized as a “threatened” species on the Endangered Species List, is crucial to their survival against Global Warming.
3 Possible Thesis’:
· Polar bears should be kept on the Endangered Species List—categorized as “threatened”—and, deny any opposing efforts.
· Polar bears need to remain listed as a “threatened” species on the Endangered Species List for the survival of [current/future] generations to come.
· Polar bears need to remain under their current listing on the Endangered Species List in order to survive Global Warming.
A) Many of the quick facts that Ballenger expressed in the book, I’ve already went over and added to my paper as I began to write my dirty draft. They, obviously, were needed as I was reading what I was writing, because some of the ideas and scenarios I wanted to paint in the reader’s mind didn’t fully explain themselves. So- I had to research a little more, and I found my little basic information needs on Wikipedia. They we’re mostly basic facts that I dispersed throughout my whole paper. Furthermore, I did try researching a little more with the RefDesk.com website, but most the information provided I’d already used somewhere in my paper—so I didn’t need to use it. But, it definitely is a source that I’ll use in future papers, as needed.
B) My Paragraph that I found that needed a little more sentence variety, was as follows:
(Original- w/o revisions) “The mortality of Polar bears is that the possibility of them being extinct within fifty years is a likely incident that can happen. If efforts to change our harm towards the environment aren’t made stronger, then, we’ll be signing-off on a death note for the Polar bears- who were once an indigenous creature to our sacred earth.”
(Edited- w/ revisions) “The mortality of Polar bears is that the possibility of them being extinct within fifty years is a likely incident that can happen. If efforts to change human’s annihilation towards the environment aren’t made stronger, then we’ll be signing-off on a death note for the Polar bears- who were once an indigenous creature to our sacred earth, that flourished.”
These minor revisions I did to this paragraph I felt, better, explained the extremity of the situation. By italicizing ‘can’, it illustrated my voice with a tone of certainty. Also, by changing ‘our harm’ to ‘human’s annihilation’ it really over-exasperates the destruction that humans are causing the environment.
This looks nicely specific–and compelling and bold!
Don’t use a comma before the verb “is.”
And, keep playing with the wording a little? Find a better verb? “Keeping… and is” are not quite as exact as they might be.
Posted 12 months agoLook again at some of these changes?
I think that “human annihilation” where it is not doesn’t quite make sense–we will change “human annihilation”. Maybe change to “human destruction of the environment.” And, by putting “that flourished” right after “earth,” it’s a little of a dangling modifier. It makes it seem as if the earth was what “flourished,” but I think you mean the polar bears. To fix, put the modifier (“that flourished”) next to what it modifies–the polar bear (or “sacred creature.”)
Edited- w/ revisions) “The mortality of Polar bears is that the possibility of them being extinct within fifty years is a likely incident that can happen. If efforts to change human’s annihilation towards the environment aren’t made stronger, then we’ll be signing-off on a death note for the Polar bears- who were once an indigenous creature to our sacred earth, that flourished.”
Posted 11 months, 3 weeks ago